a letter to my first love

You broke my heart. Over and over again. You showed no remorse. You lied to me so many times I lost count. Mostly, it was over the stupidest things like cigarettes or marijuana. But one of those times, you told a lie so great it made Pinocchio’s lies seem insignificant. This lie didn’t solely break my heart, it broke me entirely. All the promises you made; no secrets. No lies. You promised you would never cheat. But you broke all those promises like it was no big deal. One after another. You straight up lied to my face. Looked me in the eyes and lied, again and again. You are toxic. You made me feel useless. Ugly. A failure. You made me feel like I was nothing without you. That I needed you in order to succeed. You wrote a letter to her and refused to let me read it. I read it after you left for your walk. When you came back, I asked you if you held hands with her. I asked you multiple times and you looked me directly in the eyes and told me you never did anything like that with her. That’s when I knew where you stood. That my feelings didn’t matter. Did they ever? Did I ever truly matter to you? Or was it all an act? Did you just use me for your own personal gain? I wouldn’t be surprised. You only confessed after I told you I read the letter. You said the both of you drove out to the middle of nowhere one night. You reclined the seats in her car and looked up at the stars in the night sky through her sunroof and you held hands. That is when things broke beyond repair. Nothing was ever the same no matter how hard I tried to make it work. I should have left you then and there. But for some reason, I still loved you. I still wanted to be with you. You had me in a trance. A trance of blindness. I couldn’t see the truth. I couldn’t see what you were doing. I was completely stuck. And if that wasn’t enough, you hurt my dog. You hurt her and called it discipline. Shame on me for letting it happen. I hate myself for it. I will never be able to forgive myself for letting you do that to her.

As time went on, you ignored me more and more. I mattered to you less every day. Any sort of affection was a chore to you. I tried my hardest to make you happy but no matter what or how much I did, it was never enough. You were never happy or satisfied. I wanted so badly to leave. To never see you again and never come back…but I couldn’t. You were the spider and I was the fly stuck in your web. A web made of lies and deceit. You would feel mad and hurt when I said I didn’t trust you. You would go out with her and talk to random girls online and expected me to be okay with it but when I added an old guy friend on Facebook or talked to a random guy in the park one time, you lost your shit and became overly jealous. You would accuse me of being petty and doing it out of spite. You would accuse me of cheating. Everything I did was wrong. I never did right by you in your eyes anymore.

When you ended us, I was a disaster. I didn’t know how I was going to survive without you because you kept me from having friends. You kept me inside your world with no way out or so it seemed. My entire chest felt like it was going to cave in. My heart was in so much pain and was beating so irregularly, I thought I might die. Sleep was impossible. I was stuck in that apartment with you all weekend as I had nowhere else to go. All we did was argue and fight. You would go in circles. I was more than done with you. The tension was so thick only a sword could cut it. As soon as the weekend was over, I packed my things and got out of there. I couldn’t take much more of your bullshit. You treated me like garbage and you were acting like a total dick. The entire month we had to finish dealing with things, you were incredibly delusional. One day you were mad and a total asshole, the next day you were sorry and remorseful. I couldn’t take much more. Dealing with you was seriously unhealthy for my emotional, mental, and physical state.

Now, I’m leaps and bounds from where I was back then. I don’t care about you anymore. I feel free and I’m learning how to smile and laugh again. I forgot how to because it’s been so long and so much pain and hurt. If anything, you taught me what love isn’t. You taught me to be strong enough to walk away when red flags arise. You taught me not to make myself look small and to never let someone treat me the way you did. You showed me the signs of a toxic person. Now I see you for who you really are. I thought I needed you. I thought I couldn’t make it on my own; without you by my side. As the months went by, I realized that I don’t need you. I never did. All you did was bring me down and hold me back. I’m okay now. I will be okay tomorrow and next week, next month…a year from now. Erasing you from my life was the best decision I’ve made, other than moving to BC.

You still try to contact me sometimes (hence why I don’t use my real name here) but I’m never replying because I’ve told you I’m done at least 100 times. I never want to talk to you or see you again. I’m going to completely erase you from my life soon. I’ve finally built up the strength to do it. You were my first love. My first kiss. I’ll never be able to fully forget you because of that. But I’ve moved on. I don’t think about you anymore. You don’t hurt me anymore. And I don’t need you anymore.

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